Bigottocchio is a small village
renowned everywhere for the fervent devoutness of its inhabitants,
so that a special care is required to the visitors in order to
avoid offending the villagers' sensitivity and alsoto avoid to
be assaulted with a crucifix.
The village is renowned all over the world for a unique demographic trait: the 91% of its residents are unmarried aged women, all practising Catholics, and it is still unknown which could be the reproduction way of this population, since the number of the inhabitants is steady in time.
It has been assumed that they replicate themselves by gemmation, even if others assume night migrations of aged religiose women from the neighbouring areas. According to other experts, on the contrary, the old ladies that pass away by their old age, after the obsequies, raise from the dead and resume a life cycle lasting until the next death.
What to see
On the main square stands the Cathedral, dedicated to Our Hapless Lady of the Seventy-seven Distressing Sorrows. In the interior seventeenth-century paintings can be seen, representing the Flagellation, the Crucifixion, the Death throes and the Transfiguration of Christ, and a large collection of martyrdom scenes of several saints, among which stands out an original "Saint Anthony of Padua letting a combine harvester pass over him", by an unknown seventeenth-century artist and a Caravaggio-inspired oil painting representing "Saint Catherine of Siena who pares her nails in the dark".
Tourists are admitted in the cathedral only during the pauses between the Masses, therefore every Monday between 21.50 and 21.52 (except Holidays).
On the Cathedral Square, called Sorrow Square, lies the curious City Museum, exposing a remarkable collection of crucifixes of different ages and materials, in addition to a complete archive of all the forms of martyrdom practiced to the world.
The traditional festivity of Bigottocchio is dedicated to Saint Robert Bellarmine, a cardinal and inquisitor, and is preceded by ninety days of fast, prayer and contrition. At the end of such celebration a big stack of wood is piled up on the cathedral's parvis, and on it are burned the upholders of heretical or blasphemous theses, like the evolutionary theory or the first law of thermodynamics.
Another strongly felt festivity is Easter, celebrated with a miracle play representing the Passion, culminating with the real crucifixion of the figurants acting the part of Jesus Christ and of the thieves. In order to avoid that some figurant could refuse to decease on the occasion of the sacred play, foreigners are recruited, oftentime non-EU immigrant, therefore being unaware of the local traditions.
The typical handicraft production of Bigottocchio is the Rosary, produced in thousand versions, the most widespread of which is the one in which every bead is provided with sharp barbs, fit to hurt the prayer's fingers, to allow him to offer his own pain the Lord. Even cilices, matching with the rosaries, and cats o' nine tails for the evening prayers are available.
A patent of the local carpentries is the electrified confessional, imposing penance on a quicko and often definitive way, allowing then the immediate administration of the Extreme Unction to the sinner.
In Bigottocchio there's just one restaurant, "The Last Supper", managed by the nuns of the convent of the Poor Forlorn Maidservants Enslaved and Submitted Servants of the Most Sacred Coagulated Blood Dripping from the Purulent Wounds of That Quite Cool Guy of Our Lord Jesus Christ (in short also named "Globuline nuns").
The nuns use to cook on a wood fire and, being under a vow made in seventeenth century, they don't use pot holders as they take the saucepans off the fire, so that the dishes delivery on the tables is preceded by piercing screams and stench of burnt skin.
Even if cooking is genuine, the dishes choice is not really wide, and consist of just a first course, the unseasoned emmer straw soup, served hot, and whose heat is comfortable in the winter nights, not so in the summer dinners; the only second course available is the chicken cartilages meatloaf, with its original crunchy texture.
Seeing the mystical atmosphere of the place, the customers, as a small sacrifice, renounce forcedly desserts and alcoholic drinks.
Before the meals it is a tradition to collect one's thoughts in prayer together with the nuns for at least three hours. The set menu price is 70 euro per person, and the receipts are conveyed to the missions for the compulsory evangelization of the uncivilized populations believing in big bang and heliocentric theory.
The most frequently played sport in the village is agonistic prayer, organized in two events: endurance (for instance the 24 hours of Our Father) or on speed (number of Our Father - Hail Mary - Gloria Patri in one hour). When these events are performed by faithfuls suffering with pulmonary enphysema, the agonistic prayer is considered as extreme sport, and is transmitted by satellite by pay television channels. Acrobatic confession is also practised as well as the "no limits penance", which often ends with the repentant's decease.
Another pastime which is very popular in Bigottocchio is attending funerals, which are celebrated almost every day, since the villager's age is really high, and which are the subject of detailed critiques and reviews on the part of the surviving Bigottocchio ladies, which are able to quote as a term of a comparison even funerals which had been celebrated fourty years before, and which are unfailingly deemed as better than those of today.
Some parish churches of Bigottocchio adopt even a scoring system by numbered paddles, or in some cases with electronic systems, that often leads to the resignation of the parish priest, as a result of repeated not satisfactory funerary performances.
In Bigottocchio there are no hotels and hospitality is possible just in the convents and monasteries. It must anyway remember that, as a consequence of a decree of the mayor and parish priest don Crocifisso Energumeno, it is prohibited to men and women to sleep in the same building, even if they are married. The surveillance on the observance of the decree is granted to the nuns/town policewomen corps, which patrol the village 24 hours a day.
In case of serious public nuisance (swear-words, show of affection in public) the intervention of nun patrols , having the same power of the police, is ordered.
How to get there
The preferential way to reach Bigottocchio is a pilgrimage on foot, or better walking on one's knees, on the road leading to the village, paved with sharp stones. Flagellate oneself during the trip it's not compulsory, but it is anyway advisable, in order to avoid the risk of undergoing the "Giordano Bruno" treatment, assigned to the unwelcome guests.
Motor cars are not admitted in the village since they are deemed creations of the devil.
Anyone who wants to spend some days or even just visit Bigottocchio can ask the village's parish priest the permission, through his own bishop, accompanying the application with the certificates of Baptism, Holy Communion, Confirmation, attendance at the Sunday Masses and a declaration of rejection of any scientific theory not endorsed by the Holy See.