Bigottocchio is a small village
renowned everywhere for the fervent devoutness of its inhabitants,
so that a special care is required to the visitors in order to
avoid offending the villagers' sensitivity and alsoto avoid to
be assaulted with a crucifix.
The village is renowned all over the world for a unique demographic
trait: the 91% of its residents are unmarried aged
women, all practising Catholics, and it is still unknown which
could be the reproduction way of this population, since the number
of the inhabitants is steady in time.
It has been assumed that they replicate themselves by gemmation,
even if others assume night migrations
of aged religiose women from the neighbouring areas. According
to other experts, on the contrary, the old ladies that pass away
by their old age, after the obsequies, raise from the dead and
resume a life cycle lasting until the next death.
What to see
On the main square stands the Cathedral, dedicated to Our
Hapless Lady of the Seventy-seven Distressing Sorrows. In
the interior seventeenth-century paintings can be seen, representing
the Flagellation, the Crucifixion, the Death throes and the Transfiguration
of Christ, and a large collection of martyrdom scenes of several
saints, among which stands out an original "Saint Anthony
of Padua letting a combine harvester pass over him", by an
unknown seventeenth-century artist and a Caravaggio-inspired oil
painting representing "Saint Catherine
of Siena who pares her nails in the dark".
Tourists are admitted in the cathedral only during the pauses
between the Masses, therefore every Monday between 21.50 and 21.52
(except Holidays).
On the Cathedral Square, called Sorrow Square, lies the curious
City Museum, exposing a remarkable
collection of crucifixes of different ages and materials, in addition
to a complete archive of all the forms of martyrdom practiced
to the world.
Festivities and
popular traditions
The traditional festivity of
Bigottocchio is dedicated to Saint Robert
Bellarmine, a cardinal and inquisitor, and is preceded by
ninety days of fast, prayer and contrition. At the end of such
celebration a big stack of wood is piled up on the cathedral's
parvis, and on it are burned the upholders
of heretical or blasphemous theses, like the evolutionary theory
or the first law of thermodynamics.
Another strongly felt festivity is Easter, celebrated with a miracle
play representing the Passion,
culminating with the real crucifixion of the figurants acting
the part of Jesus Christ and of the thieves. In order to avoid
that some figurant could refuse to decease on the occasion of
the sacred play, foreigners are recruited, oftentime non-EU immigrant,
therefore being unaware of the local traditions.
Handicraft
The typical handicraft production of Bigottocchio is the Rosary,
produced in thousand versions, the most widespread of which is
the one in which every bead is provided with sharp barbs, fit
to hurt the prayer's fingers, to allow him to offer his own pain
the Lord. Even cilices, matching with
the rosaries, and cats o' nine tails
for the evening prayers are available.
A patent of the local carpentries is the electrified
confessional, imposing penance on a quicko and often definitive
way, allowing then the immediate administration of the Extreme
Unction to the sinner.
Gastronomy
In Bigottocchio there's just one restaurant, "The Last Supper",
managed by the nuns of the convent of the Poor Forlorn Maidservants
Enslaved and Submitted Servants of the Most Sacred Coagulated
Blood Dripping from the Purulent Wounds of That Quite Cool Guy of
Our Lord Jesus Christ (in short also named "Globuline nuns").
The nuns use to cook on a wood fire and, being under a vow made
in seventeenth century, they don't use pot holders as they take
the saucepans off the fire, so that
the dishes delivery on the tables is preceded by piercing screams
and stench of burnt skin.
Even if cooking is genuine, the dishes choice is not really wide,
and consist of just a first course, the unseasoned emmer straw
soup, served hot, and whose heat is comfortable in the winter
nights, not so in the summer dinners; the only second course available
is the chicken cartilages meatloaf, with its original crunchy
texture.
Seeing the mystical atmosphere of the place, the customers, as
a small sacrifice, renounce forcedly desserts and alcoholic drinks.
Before the meals it is a tradition to collect one's thoughts in
prayer together with the nuns for at least three hours. The set
menu price is 70 euro per person, and the receipts are conveyed
to the missions for the compulsory evangelization of the uncivilized
populations believing in big bang and heliocentric theory.
Entertainment
The most frequently played sport in the village is agonistic
prayer, organized in two events: endurance (for instance the
24 hours of Our Father) or on speed (number of Our Father - Hail
Mary - Gloria Patri in one hour). When these events are performed
by faithfuls suffering with pulmonary enphysema, the agonistic
prayer is considered as extreme sport, and is transmitted by satellite
by pay television channels. Acrobatic confession is also practised
as well as the "no limits penance", which often ends
with the repentant's decease.
Another pastime which is very popular in Bigottocchio is attending
funerals, which are celebrated almost
every day, since the villager's age is really high, and which
are the subject of detailed critiques and reviews on the part
of the surviving Bigottocchio ladies, which are able to quote
as a term of a comparison even funerals which had been celebrated
fourty years before, and which are unfailingly deemed as better
than those of today.
Some parish churches of Bigottocchio adopt even a scoring system
by numbered paddles, or in some cases
with electronic systems, that often leads to the resignation of
the parish priest, as a result of repeated not satisfactory funerary
performances.
Welcome
In Bigottocchio there are no hotels and hospitality is possible
just in the convents and monasteries. It must anyway remember
that, as a consequence of a decree of the mayor and parish priest
don Crocifisso Energumeno, it is prohibited to men and women to
sleep in the same building, even if they are married. The surveillance
on the observance of the decree is granted to the nuns/town
policewomen corps, which patrol the village 24 hours a day.
In case of serious public nuisance (swear-words, show of affection
in public) the intervention of nun
patrols , having the same power of the police, is ordered.
How to get there
The preferential way to reach Bigottocchio is a pilgrimage on
foot, or better walking on one's knees, on the road
leading to the village, paved with sharp stones. Flagellate oneself
during the trip it's not compulsory, but it is anyway advisable,
in order to avoid the risk of undergoing the "Giordano Bruno"
treatment, assigned to the unwelcome guests.
Motor cars are not admitted in the village since they are deemed
creations of the devil.
Contacts
Anyone who wants to spend some days or even just visit Bigottocchio
can ask the village's parish priest the permission, through his
own bishop, accompanying the application with the certificates
of Baptism, Holy Communion, Confirmation, attendance at the Sunday
Masses and a declaration of rejection of any scientific theory
not endorsed by the Holy See.
page
created: January
31st 2010 and last updated: February 12th 2010