The town of Coglioniano is famous
both for its highest per capita income, and for the lowest Intelligence
Quotient of its population, joined to an endemic alcoholism: the
cocktail between these characteristics makes the town goal of
students and swindlers of every type and every origin.
The main (and often the only) worry of the inhabitants of Coglioniano is to buy and show off high price clothes, with no attention at all about its quality and aesthetic, but being only pushed by the terror not to seem fashionable, therefore the Sunday walk is a good chance for the tourist to laugh a little upon the natives.
What to see
The ancient medieval historical center has been for a long time replaced by a thick crowd of asbestos cement sheds. In particular the ancient thirteenth century cathedral has been submitted to a restyling in order to lodge a Dolce & Gabbana show-room and a Gucci outlet. The Giottesque school frescoes that decorated it have been detached, sheltered in the sacristy premises and repainted in white, to be used as a maxiscreen for live TV transmissions.
The traditional festivity of Coglioniano is the SUV parade in the historical center, which is repeated in occasion of every promotional campaign of the automotive companies. The spiritual aspect of the festivity is guaranteed by a solemn mass, celebrated from the 11,00 to 11,02 AM, just before the cocktail-party. Although 99.9% of the inhabitants declare to be catholic, the mass is followed just by a 94 years old lady, paralyzed, which is taken out from the parochial warehouse for the occasion.
The traditional annual election of the village fool was instead cancelled since some years, due to the impossibility to choose among the countless candidates, all equally worthy; the contest took place in the Sport Hall of the village, but the huge number of participants of the last editions exceeded the capacity of the building, making the continuation of the competition impossible.
The historical center of Coglioniano is crowded by jeweller's shops that, even selling just fake Rolex watches and trinkets, have higher selling prices than Cartier in Montecarlo. The high prices make the jewellers very nervous, so they react preventively shooting with large-caliber guns at every gesture of the customer they deem suspicious. For this reason a mortality of 74% between their customers is recorded.
The numerous luxury shoe shops sell exclusively moccassins, since the inhabitants of the town have troubles in lacing their shoes up. Moreover it is not possible to buy crocodile shoes since a Coglionianese trade expedition in Africa, in spite of an accurate search, has been able to find only barefoot crocodiles.
In the town there are twelve semi-official Ferrari distributors, that sell with a 5% discount models which are nearly equal to the original ones, except for the cardboard bodywork and the pedal propulsion, that forces the driver to imitate with the mouth the roar of the motor, and to operate the special inner windscreen-wiper in order to clean up the glass.
The Coglioniano cooking counts few dishes, of low quality and astronomical price. The most famous is the "sgrunf", made with unripe turnips, straw and truffle boiled for 24 hours, so that it loses any flavour.
In Coglioniano pigs are traditionally reared, accurately selected for meat production and fed with oysters, lobsters and vintage champagne, but they are only used for the production of organic fertilizer and as draught animals.
In Coglioniano several restaurants can be found, all with menus over 50 euros, although serving precooked foods heated up in a microwaves oven. The opening hours are from 11.00 to 12.00 AM, and then the cooks go back home. Beyond these hours it would be possible to apply to the take-away food shops, if only they were not closed from 11.30 to 17.30 AM.
The Coglionianese people can just conceive to move by car and they don't tolerate the existence of pedestrian areas. The rigid traditional discipline of the place imposes however the pedestrians to cross the road on the zebra crossing, therefore it is not rare to see persons, usually old ones, mummified in waiting position at the curb of the pedestrian crossing, inasmuch as however the cars never stop.
Every Sunday the mayor, in order to imitate the initiatives of the other cities, proclaims the traffic block in the historical center. For a disagreeable misunderstanding on the meaning of the term, the block consists in taking all the SUV in the town center and keeping them all the day blocked there with the engine running.
Oftentime the drivers, in order to overcome the boredom, engages also collective roaring contests.
In Coglioniano several hotels can be found, all with prices over 90 Euros per night. Usually the staff wakes up the hosts at four in the morning arguing that: "You are not at home". In case you should stay for more than one night, you'd better make your bed by yourself, because asking the hotelkeeper to perform such an operation often triggers violent reactions.
How to get there
By car, coming from the Coglioniano turn-off of the A17 motorway, it must run along the first fourteen traffic circles, never following the indications for Coglioniano (when there is one), but those for Europa car-repairer (first six traffic circles) and then for Friendlyprices furniture factory (last eight traffic circles). At the fifteenth traffic circle it must wait for the red and black semitrailer of La Celere road haulages, following it until it enter the company's warehouse, keeping going ahead, until the first switched off traffic light, then waiting it turns on and turns green, go left, reach to the next traffic circles, enter there on the wrong side, turn at the closed road, and therefore follow the bad smell of exhaust gases until entering Coglioniano.
The Coglionianese tourist offices can be found in every chief town of the Italian provinces and in every European capital, and they are opened 24 hours a day.
To reserve a hotel or a travel to Coglioniano in these offices is however difficult, inasmuch as its employees are usually scarsely sociable and loquacious and they do not love that strangers visit their town, and therefore they play insolent with the potential customers with mockeries on their physical defects, or questioning they could really afford a vacation in Coglioniano.
Moreover every customer is requested to pay in advance 10 Euros for every information asked.