The village of Gonzorio stands undeservedly
a bad reputation for the alleged scanty intelligence of its inhabitants.
Perhaps the malicious rumours come from some misinterpreted episodes,
like when, at the passage from Lira to Euro the villagers burnt all the banknotes of the old currency,
thinking they were then useless.
However the small village deserves a visit, also because the inhabitants,
once they have understood the slip made in the past, accept payments
in Liras, at the rate of one Lira for one Euro.
History
In the Gonzorio area the remains of a hominid have been found,
attributed to the Homo stolidus, which became prematurely
extinct for his pretence to mate with cave bears and sabre-tooth
tiger.
The foundation of Gonzorio is traditionally attributed to the
Farlockians, an ancient nomadic population, whose distinguishing
trait was easily loosing the sense of direction: once they reached
the area in which now the village lies, the Farlockians would
have begun to go round in circles for decades, pitching camp every
night in the same place, not realizing it, becoming therefore
sedentary, in an imperceptible way.
Gonzorio was then a Greek colony with the name of Idioteia,
regularly visited by merchants, not only Greek, but also Etruscan,
Phoenician, Carthaginians, and from every other people of the
Mediterranean, which went there to sell off all the products they
couldn't sell otherwhere. At Idioteia a daring architectonic test
was tried, building temples with thin wooden columns and heavy
marble architraves: during the inauguration the experiment failed, exterminating all the people attending
the ceremony. Years after, while the village was besieged by the
Romans, the inhabitants tried to defend themselves using the burning
glasses, how they saw as done by Archimedes but, due to a laying
error of the same mirror, they set fire
to their own houses.
Under the Roman domination the village took the name of Castrum
Stultorum and it was the one and only village in Italy which
didn't obtain the right of Roman citizenship, even for the habit
of its inhabitants to stumble in their toga.
At the fall of the Roman empire the village was raided by several
invading barbaric peoples, but noone of them picked up the courage
to sack it, or rather many barbarians, moved to pity, left donations.
At the age of the Crusades the Gonzorieses
left all together, thinking it was a puzzle solving contest; as
they got in the Holy Land they were all immediately captured and
reduced to slavery by the Saracens, that however, straight after
set them free and re-embarked them for Europe, with the promise
of not coming back anymore.
In the medieval age the village was under the rule of the Balenghis
of Montefesso, and one of them, marquis Baggiano
IV, ordered a castle to be built,
the one and only in the world having a moat inside the walls and
a not liftable drawbridge. The castle was seized in 1412, after
a short siege, with an ingenious stratagem: the enemy knocked
the gates on the pretext of delivering a telegram, and the Gonzorieses
without delay opened the gates.
In the Renaissance the village was the birthplace of the scientist
and artist Tardo delli Ottusi, emulator
of Leonardo, who performed admirable botany studies about onions, performing excavations at a depth
of several meters to try to find, in vain, the tree that yielded
them. Moreover the scientist drew up an extensive treatise of
human anatomy of ten volumes but, as soon as he finished it, he
carelessly used it to light the fire, and for this reason no trace
of it reached us. Tardo delli Ottusi had also a try at weapons
design, like in the case of the ingenious double-edged
halberd, in which also the handle was sharp and cutting, or
the silk armour, whose quality was the great lightness. Tardo
lost his life in the daring test of a flying machine he himself
designed and constructed: a precursor of the helicopter, but entirely
made of granite.
The village also was the birthplace of Testonio
Semplicioni, a distinguished astronomer, which criticized
Copernicus and Galileo, maintaining the sun and the earth both
circle the moon, which in its turn stopped existing during the
new moon phases.
At Gonzorio, in the age of the Risorgimento, a fervent patriotic
movement developped, leading dozens of villagers to decide and
join the Garibaldi's Thousand expedition: unfortunately, for a
mere misunderstanding, they arrived to board at Quinto
di Treviso instead of Quarto, and so they couldn't sail.
The plebiscite of 1860 for the annexation to the kingdom of Italy
saw the 100% of blank ballot papers, since noone of the Gonzorieses
understood the question, while, on the contrary, the plebiscite
of 1946, to choose between monarchy and republic, saw the overwhelming
victory of "stewed apples".
Starting from 1994 the village saw the 100% of the electors voting
for Silvio Berlusconi and the freedom
of the city was awarded to Maurizio Gasparri.
What to see
The cathedral of Gonzorio has an unusual
shape, since the original plan of the church was mistaken
by an error for that of a sugar refinery. The cathedral is dedicated
to Saint Pirlo of Monate, the only
saint in history who martyred himself: seized by the pagans because
he was suspected of being a Christian, he was then released since
he was deemed as harmless, but, as he went out the jail, he stumbled
and sank on an instrument of torture,
still venerated in the cathedral's vault
which, oddly, lies at the first floor.
In the village center the modern freight port
can be visited; it was completed few years ago, just in time to
realize that the sea is ninety kilometers (about fifty-five miles)
away from Gonzorio, that has not even a river flowing through.
Another attraction of the village is the town
skyscraper, that since its construction is unoccupied, as
the inhabitants are scared to live or work in any building higher
than one floor.
Festivities and
popular traditions
The traditional festivity of
Gonzorio is the historical "chestnut pressing", taking
place in autumn, during which barefoot
villagers split chestnuts from their husks, letting odd shouts
of exultation out.
For centuries in the village a fair is held, every first Sunday
of the month, with the cryptic name of "fools' festival",
during which
hundreds of merchants, all foreign,
display for the sale some
very peculiar goods, like time
machines, hats to become invisible, bracelets to walk on the water,
perpetual motion machines, powders to fly and Silvio
Berlusconi books.
Agriculture
The fields of Gonzorio are traditionally planted with cereals,
grown to yield straw. Actually, always by tradition, the grains
are instead regarded as a waste, and the Gonzorieses pay considerable
amounts for its disposal, since they ignore milling and the deed
that flour comes out from grains. Therefore milling firms from
outside collect the cereals, and soon after sell, at a high price,
the same flour to the Gonzorieses, which use them to make bread.
Years ago a villager of Gonzorio proposed to yield flour from
the grains yielded in the village, but he was harshly rebuked
and forced to leave the village.
A factor making farming in Gonzorio more difficult is the ancestral
custom to employ sheep to pull
the plough, while the mechanical means meet with the suspiciousness
of the villagers, who can't make themselves clear how could they
move by themselves. The mistrus is also due to several accidents
occurred with the first tractors taken in the village: the inhabitants
yoked however the draught animals, that further on were run over
by the mechanical means.
Another typical production of Gonzorio are the figs, which for
ancient tradition are cultivated on the steeples'
edges, and it makes the harvest difficult, and then the cultivation
not very profitable.
The Gonzoriese animal husbandry consists mainly of poultry and
other fowls breeding, just to yield wishbones,
while the meat is thrown away.
Even beekeeping has been for centuries imported into Gonzorio,
even if, lacking instructions, the villagers use to eat the bees
and disregard honey.
Handicraft
The typical objects of the village are the pierced wine
jugs, good for those who try to give up drinking, the inflammable ash tray, good for those
who try to give up smoking, and the electrified
cutlery, good for those who are on a diet. The local textile
industry boasts a unique in the world patent: the short-sleeved
undershirts made of cotton outside and wool inside.
Entertainment
The favourite pastime of the Gonzorieses are the bowls, which
are more appreciated since when, few years ago, the spherical
bowls have been introduced in the village, in place of the
traditional cubical ones. Another amusement
of the town is twiddling one's thumbs,
an activity in which the Gonzorieses are masters: one of them
holds the world record of endurance in the freestyle category
with 21 hours, 35 minutes and 18 seconds.
The Gonzorieses, by an ancient tradition, also love doing crossword
puzzles, provided that they are simplified and not consist in
more than two clues.
Welcome
The several hotels of Gonzorio
offer a warm and solicitous hospitality, with some excesses, like
the one to wake up the customers in the middle of the night for
the sheets change, since a single change
a day is not deemed by the local hotel keepers enough in order
to supply an acceptable service. Usually during the night another
awakening of the customer occurrs, to ask him if he's satisfied
with the service and if he's resting in a comfortable way.
The most renowned hotels are the "Sleepless Nights Hotel",
the "Poltergeist Hotel" and the "Wake Hotel",
whose rooms have all running water, which unfortunately is usually
the waste water coming from the room on the floor above: for this
reason it is advisable, when possible, to choose rooms on the
upper floor.
It happens in average two or three times a month that foreigners
benefit from a very warm welcome and a sumptuous hospitality at
the municipality's expenses, for having introduced themselves
as "Emperor of China". The fact that often such hosts
have blond hair, or black skin, and however never show an Oriental
look, doesn't make the Gonzorieses suspicious, and so they offer
anyhow their hospitality.
Gastronomy
The local gastronomy boasts very peculiar: for instance one of
the typical dishes of the town, the maize
porridge, is served raw, with not completely pleasant effects;
even hard-boiled eggs are highly appreciated,
but they are commonly eaten with the eggshell; finally the boiled potatoes, the base of every
Gonzuriese meal, are eaten entire and piping hot, since it is
considered not nice to leave them cool or to cut them into pieces.
Public administrators
The municipal taxes in Gonzorio are payed in cash directly in
the mayor's hands and are in average one thousand times higher
than those of the other municipalities. By tradition Gonzorio
mayors coming from outside are elected: the last mayor, John
Carmine Ligotti has recently been arrested by the FBI for
mafioso criminal association and international drug trafficking,
while the two city councillors responsible
for finances and taxes are until now absconding. The municipality
is negotiating for a new mayor, to be choosen between a Montenegrin
mafioso and a Columbian narcos boss.
How to get there
With the intention of facilitating
the possible visitors and not to thwart them, the municipal administration
placed at every cross in the surrounding area road signs signposting
the name of Gonzorio in every direction. This makes difficolt
to reach the town, even if it is possible to ask the inhabitants
of the neighbouring villages for directions, which they will give
them with pleasure, as soon as they will stop laughing.
Contacts
It is not advisable to ask information by e-mail since the tourist
office, as a practice, answers with printed letters, sent by ordinary
mail, but writing on the envelope the e-mail address. Moreover
the shipping clerk tries to stick the self-adhesive stamps licking
them on the backside, and so oftentime he causes himself physical
damages.
page
created: May
16th 2009 and last updated: January 21st 2010
