Roberto Benigni

with Raffaella Carrà at the TV show "Fantastico 12", Rai Uno, 1991

Benigni. Lovely Carrààà! Carrààà!
Carrà. When you see red you can't reason any more!
Benigni. Come heeeere!
Carrà. Sure; (Benigni pursues Carrà who stepping backwards stumbles and falls. He's over her and hold her tight. She succeeds in rising while he keeps holding her).
Benigni. What a nice buttock. My dear Carrà! But what have you got you women to attract the men so much?
Carrà. I don't knoooow!
Benigni. You must tell it to me. Now I've grown up and I have to know! What have you got in that area! You must tell it to me! Nooo, eh because... Just to know it! Maybe there's a tractor, a train, the Florence-sea motorway, the Mont-Blanc tunnel ...
Carrà. No no! Less less less, less! Roberto...
Benigni. Let me see, one second!
Carrà. What do you want to see?
Benigni. Let me see it one second!
Carrà. What?
Benigni. One moment! Zac zac (mimes the action of quickly raising up the skirt)
Carrà. But it's all buttoned up, I can't do it, it's all buttoned up!
Benigni. Come on! Listen! nooo! I mean ... It looks like a violent thing. It's still a poetical thing. Just for to see it for a while. I wouldn't like to die without seeing that thing!
Carrà. Never seen?
Benigni. Oh, I mean ... some times!
Carrà. Ahaaa, now you say the truth!
Benigni. Just to see one second, so, why that business attract the man so much! What do you know about it, you women. Then it's a poetical thing because our Lord said it. He said to be fruitful and multiply. He made Adam and Eve already adults to spare time. They were already grown, so they just had got to multiply. But Adam said: how can we multiply? He didn't know it at all. Eh! Now God says don't let me start saying bloody words right at the beginning ... I created the world just now... But then for never make mistakes they put it in the centre of the body, so you never miss it. As there's a danger ... up you go ... you at once do this...
Carrà. It's true, it's true ...
Benigni. Protection... because it's a delicate, lovely, sensitive, poetical thing. How we call it when we are babies the... the pussy, how can we call it?... the guitar ... the puss ... the accordion ... everyone, isn't? Let me see! Everyone gave it a peculiar name! The sparrow... the beaver ... the slit ... the crevasse... the buchiacca... The Neapolitans call it so: 'a buchiacca! It's wonderful, it's passionate! The turkey ... the mouse, the rat... the spot. It's wonderful! The spot, the ass, the pancake, the castanet ... the kidnapper ... the medical terms: the vagina... the vulva. Oh... the vulva is frightening! Look there a vulva! 740 Turbo diesele. It' looks like a thing ... It's dreadful... Oh... also for the masculine one, for the penis ... willy ... weeny. Then, when it grows, they call it the dick, the cudgel, the cock, the banana, the pole, the rod, the bat... the cucumber ... the fish, think how many names it has ...
Carrà. Just a trip around the man!
Benigni. The duckgutter ... it's a ... lovely thing! (he start dancing at the rythm of the applause of the audience) c'mon! Later, I undress later ... Where we did leave off? the scarecrow?
Carrà. Yes, you know... the topic it's always that...
Benigni. The blackandecker... the more you drop it down, the more it comes back up ... in the world we got all sexual problems, my boys. Think if it happened in Italy what happened to that black judge who was sent away because ... as they said ... he was guilty of making oral sexual harassment. Think if in Italy somebody who sexually harasses should lose his job. All our politicians were in jail ... everyone. I want to reveal you something privately. I spoke with Nilde Jotti. that good woman. You should know how much troubles that woman have to stand at the Chamber, from morning to night. She is the President of the Chamber. They abuse her, but not only ... She told me, look ... She's so kind, isn't? When the deputies go out the Chamber, she salutes, maybe, for instance ... goodbye Honourable Andreotti. And he answers: "hi, you bitch". Everybody this way. Each one! Spadolini is the worst of all, really... Senator Spadolini we have to talk about politics. Yes, let us speak of this referendum... and he draws down his trousers! A pig. All naked. With a quite small dick! What a shame, you see ..., indeed.
Carrà. But, which Chamber do you use to frequent!!!
Benigni. Our Chamber of Deputies is filthy. Our politicians ... But think about ... These are all sex problems. Wars, missiles. No, Saddam Hussein, Bush... my missile is bigger than yours ... and the supergun. It's all an outburst of sexually repressed guys! It's a terrible thing! They should make love more often! But think ... think of De Michelis, oh De Michelis, our Minister of Foreign Affairs. Since he's Minister of Foreign Affairs there's a war after the other, oh! the fall of Eastern Europe, Albania, Yugoslavia, Iraq, oh! And while there are all these wars he gets snapped at the disco with Deborah Caprioglio. I mean ... De Michelis at the disco with Deborah Caprioglio, Craxi at the restaurant with Moana Pozzi, Martelli at the night-club with Cicciolina, Andreotti sleeps with Cirino Pomicino... I meant... no...
Carrà. Nooo nooo!
Benigni. What? I saw them, Raffaella! I saw them! In short, look ... these politicians ... these politicians really, how can I say ... these politicians are quite, how they say in Scotland, sonsobbitch!!
Carrà. No!
Benigni. Yes. Believe me. Mama... mama don't fear ... no, I do it for my mama ... my mama watches the TV and I love her so much, my mama and my daddy too.
Carrà. Madam, forgive him...
Benigni. Mama... don't worry, even if they arrest me I go to the hospital and then I go out at once. Don't worry mama. These aren't bloody words. The bloody words ... The real bloody words are spot, sponsor, audience, spoil system, mass-media, these. But the words I say are nice, let's go ... Oh... now Craxi proposed there must be parties just over 5%. What a sly-fox! He made a referendum, they said the parties over 5% were ok, those who were under got lost, well, they're not fools, aren't they? Everybody can pick out the parties he wants. Now it looks like, I mean ... The next time he'll say: only parties with a secretary over hundreed kilos with a bald patch and glasses and a brother-in-law being mayor of Milan. Really. It's so ... All sexual problems. Then maybe you didn't realize the Socialist Party changed its name before the Communist Party did it. Just to cheat everybody ... anyway, sooner or later they become aware ... Socialist Unity changes like before ... The Christian Democratic Party by the way, when it gonna change its name? Look. The Christian Democratic Party ... is quite ... they should be ashamed. They could make Jesus change his name, eh! If you call yourself Christ the Christian Democratic Party can't change its name. l've got an idea. They should call themselves Buddhist Democracy . So we'll see Andreotti, Forlani, De Mita having a quite right opium smoke at Calcutta, ahhh! how nice there in the nirvana. The nirvana of the zen and Siddharta. Then we'll have fun. And indeed, they are all sexual problems, they're sexually repressed. First there are these wars for sex, Cossiga was right. Earlier, quite in the ancient times, in the prehistory they didn't make wars because they made love more often. Maybe in the history, say, men had several sexual organs. Maybe in ancient times men had three dicks, from which came the famous sentence: "what fuck you want?" ... They had three dicks. Let's imagine ... No, it's not for being ... I mean... anyhow we're also sunk under bad weather. The mafia. Is Marzullo there? Marzullo! My dear Marzullo... Marzullo ... Marzu'... (laughs) My dear Marzullo... Ohhh because Marzullo...
Carrà. What he does?
Benigni. They'll do an unified trasmission, he and Mike Bongiorno, against mafia. Just from Midnight and environs and TeleMike they'll make Mafia and environs, then Zanicchi deals about rake-offs, at Ok the price is right. All together. Eh... Marzullo. How can you hold out all night long. I think you sniff some marijuana! Tell me the truth, ehhh? the truth (hugging Marzullo) ... He got a stoned air, eh? eh???... I'm kidding, Marzullo... He takes some hallucinogen pills of MSI. (he climbs over Marzullo hugging him) What a pleasure touching the body, isn't?

Nilde Jotti:
former Communist deputy and President of Italian Chamber of Deputies;
Giulio Andreotti, Arnaldo Forlani, Ciriaco De Mita: former Prime Ministers of Italy, members of Christian Democratic Party;
Giovanni Spadolini: former Prime Minister of Italy, member of Republican Party;
Bettino Craxi: former Prime Minister of Italy, member of Socialist Party;
Deborah Caprioglio, Moana Pozzi, Cicciolina: actresses of sexy or hardcore films;
Claudio Martelli, Gianni De Michelis: former Ministers of the Italian Government, members of Socialist Party;
Paolo Cirino Pomicino: former Minister of the Italian Government, member of Christian Democratic Party;
Francesco Cossiga: former President of the Italian Republic and Prime Minister, member of Christian Democratic Party;
Gigi Marzullo, Mike Bongiorno, Iva Zanicchi: Italian TV anchorpersons;
MSI: Movimento Sociale Italiano, ancient neo-fascist party.
Now deceased.

From "Fantastico 12", Rai Uno, 1991, transcription from l'Unità 2 - 1994 August 28th (pag. 5)

Translation by Andrea Gaddini

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