This is the list,
broadcasted by the North Korean State television, of the names
used to call the president Kim Jong-il. I think these names fit
to me too, so I ask you to begin every communication with me (including
telephone call) with these words:
"Supreme Commander at the Forefront of the Struggle Against Imperialism and the United States;
Greatest Saint Who Rules with Extensive Magnanimity; Lode Star of the Twenty-First Century; Best Leader Who Realized Human Wisdom; Leader with Extraordinary Personality; Perfect Picture of Wisdom and Boldness; Eternal Bosom of Hot Love; Master of Literature, Arts, and Architecture; Worlds Best Ideal Leader with Versatile Talents; Humankinds Greatest Musical Genius; Master of the Computer Who Surprised the World; Man with Encyclopedic Knowledge; Guardian Deity of the Planet; Heaven-Sent Hero; Power Incarnate with Endless Creativity; Greatest Man Who Ever Lived; Present-day God; Worlds Greatest Writer."
and on my own I would like to add also:
Being Extremely Clever in Digesting Glucides, Supreme Socks' Wearer,
Man Whose Teaspoons are Completely Made of Metal, Magnificent
Bearer of Nails on Every Finger and Toe, Admirable Brusher of
Suede Shoes, Shining Propitiator of the Rising of the Sun, One
and Only Immense Salad Mixer, Extraordinary Phone Messagges Listener,
Genius Firmly Convinced of Day and Night Alternation, Outstanding
Creature Whose Hairs are Perennially in Odd or Even Number, Magnanimous
Supporter of Chlorophyll Photosynthesis, Leader with Elbows of
Extraordinary Attractiveness, Star Boatswain Whose Chairs are
Always Well Covered with Straw, Exceptional Heater of Water for
Cooking Pasta, Perfect Carbon Dioxide Producer, Serene Defender
of the Growth of Edible Mushrooms, a Being Divine in Driving Nails
into a Wall, Brilliant and Ingenious Blackheads Seeker, Indefatigable
Heart Beating Several Times a Minute, Generous Approver of Birds
Migrations, Enlightened Scientist Whose Dishes are Perfectly Circular."
Unfortunately I will not consider any communication (even verbal) not beginning with the above listed words.
Updating of December 20th 2011: Kim Jong-il's death doesn't change the above mentioned requirements: he is dead, but I am still alive, for the moment.
Updating of April 1st 2013: Kim Jong-un, Kim Jong-il's successor and son, has evidently deemed this page as offensive and announced that, because of me I think, he decided to declare war on the whole world. In a recent speech the map of the Roman quarter of Montesacro appeared at his back, and my house was marked by an arrow and signalled as a target. I find this reaction exceedingly touchy.